Don’t Drop The Space-Soap

DETECTIVE COMICS #231: The Theif Who Had Super Powers!

At a robbery, J’onn is talking to a victim who tells him about the robber who could walk through walls (Whoa!) and bend bullets with his mind (dang!). J’onn thinks that sounds pretty crazy but figures there must be a reasonable explanation. Suddenly he’s called away to another robbery on a boat. Some ladies were modeling the crown jewels when one of the diamond tiaras started floating and was seemingly carried off the ship by an invisible man.

The cop on the scene tells this all to J’onn then immediately lights his pipe as though it is the most important thing on his mind right then. “Oooh all this floating tiara nonsense gives me the spooks. I need my pipe!”

J’onn, naturally freaks out in his head over the fire a bit, but manages to maintain his composure. He thinks the case over to himself, how this strange theif seems able to do everything he can do! It doesn’t make any sense. Well J’onn here takes an Occam’s Razor to that bitch and decides it MUST be a magician-thief. Which is a thief that is also a magician, not a thief that steals magicians. While his brain churns along, he is alerted to yet another robbery downtown. J’onn ducks into a room and here’s a new power!

The ability to WILL his body to any part of the world.

Couldn’t you…will yourself back to Mars?

Nevermind. J’onn is downtown now where the thief is carrying an armored car. J’onn activates this issue’s interpretation of “Martian Vision” and uses his eyes to heat the armored car. The thief though suddenly turns invisible. J’onn uses his super hearing to track him, saying that no two people sound exactly the same when they run. We are like little running snowflakes. With our own special thumps thumps when our feet touch the ground. Isn’t that just magical?

So he gets him cornered at the hotel where the thief tries to disappear again. Right then though, someone in the next room tells the bellhop that he will be FIRED if he messes up again. Just hearing the WORD makes J’onn freak out a bit and after calming himself notices that the theif has shrunk to only three inches tall.

Now J’onn realizes that the thief must be another Martian! Oh my god. And when he heard the word “fire” he flipped out and shrunk. He’s got some definite flight instinct, except instead of flying he tries to be small and out of the sight of the fire.

J’onn shrinks down too, but I’m not really clear why. I think to be like “hey I’m a Martian too” like it’s a well known ritual. If ye be Martian, shrinketh and we shall know ye! (in the Biblical sense).

They both return to normal size and the other martian explains that he’s one of the criminals from Mars (I thought we got rid of that crime stuff like centuries ago?) and that the belt that kept him floating in space around the planet must’ve malfunctioned and brought him to earth. J’onn looks at the belt, knowing he could use it to get home, but then this other Martian would be free to rob and pilfer whatever he wanted on Earth. And really, he’s already committed THREE robberies in a single day. He’s not gonna just hang out and behave.

So J’onn fixes the belt and watches the Martian float away into space.

And I guess that case just stayed unsolved officially in the police files because how the fuck is explaining this shit to the Chief?

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