Them Jones, Them Jones, Them…John Jones.

DETECTIVE COMICS #241: The Impossible Manhunt

Okay does everyone remember that thing that John is weak against? That’s right, it’s fire. If you somehow forgot, don’t worry. If you happen to pick up this issue and somehow make it through the first 5 panels going “Uh, an arson case? Who cares? That should be easy for Detective Jones,” it is okay. When John gets assigned to this arson case, they take a moment for him to think about his fear of fire. And a guy is smoking. Because just talking about it isn’t enough.

Here’s the case. Someone is burning down any business belonging to someone named Jones. It starts with Jones’ Wax Works and continues on to Harold Jones: Jewewler and then Jones’ Supermarket, Jones’ Hardware, and Jones’ Clothing.

Panic spreads through the most implausible town in the world, and Jones Fancy Fruit and Vegetables decides to take down his sign.

The chie-no wait. He’s the Captain this time. ┬áHe has a note from the arson:

“Down with all men named Jones. I won’t stop until every business owned by a Jones is burned down. Long Live the Smiths!

-A Man named Smith.”

The captain decided that since John’s last name is Jones, he gets this case. So that he can like…defend people with the same name as him I guess. So John opens up John Jones Art Gallery. Where they are painting the walls…with asbestos-based paint. Awesome.

As everyone ogles the paintings that I hope are just replicas, a fire bomb is thrown through the skylight. John grabs a fire extinguisher and tries to put it out, only to find the fire extinguisher is filled with gasoline. Are you fucking kidding me.

He instead uses his patented Martian Vision to liquify the glass of the skylight and put out the fire with…that? What?

Last issue, John could blow at like hurricane force winds. But melting glass with your eyes, that’s how we’re putting this fire out. Does he not know you can put fires out like that? Is it because he leaves the room everytime a candle-covered cake shows up? What the hell?

He darts out of his fake art gallery, and tails the arson to Sam Jones Museum of Famous American Ships. Inside this completely ridiculous museum are several full scale replicas of famous ships.

They appear to be in water, next to a fake pier. What in the goddamn world.

John hears the footsteps of our arson and catches him. The museum owner recognizes him as a former employee who threatened to ruin him. Not named Smith at all! It was all a ruse! The arson explains that it’s too late, he’s already placed a firebomb in one of these fucking crazy ass ships and they’ll never find it in time.

Ah, but John is a detective! He quickly finds the firebomb in the Ranger, because it was the ship captained by John Paul Jones. But I thought that Jones thing was just a…

You know, don’t worry about it.

Day saved. No cake. Everything’s awesome.

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